Acknowledgment
This article discusses various forms of domestic abuse, which may be difficult for some readers. If you need support, The City of Calgary and FearIsNotLove offer resources to help. You can also call 211 to access confidential assistance.
November is Family Violence Prevention Month in Alberta and Domestic Violence Awareness Month in Canada—a time to raise awareness and prevent domestic violence, which remains a significant problem globally and in Calgary.
This year, FearIsNotLove (formerly the Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter) marked 50 years of service in Calgary supporting victims and changing the conversation around domestic violence. And while many things have changed in the last half century, the need for safe and supportive care for victims and families remains just as vital.
In 2023, the Calgary Police Service reported three homicides, 426 sexual offenses and 4,072 assaults categorized as domestic violence. But that doesn’t capture the full scope of the issue. FearIsNotLove says many victims do not report abuse to the police. In fact, the Government of Canada estimates 44% of women aged 15 years or older experience some form of abuse in their intimate relationships. FearIsNotLove alone supported more than 20,000 individuals in 2023-24.
United Way of Calgary and Area (United Way) is proud to work with partners like FearIsNotLove to end family violence and promote healthy relationships. We sat down with FearIsNotLove CEO Kim Ruse earlier this year to discuss the issues facing our Calgary community and how everyone can come together to create change in our city.
Rethinking Domestic Abuse
Preventing domestic violence begins with changing how we talk about it. This is why FearIsNotLove emphasizes two key points:
- ALL domestic abuse victims resist.
- Abusive behaviour is ALWAYS a choice.
Many people, often unintentionally, reinforce harmful myths that victims don’t resist or that abusers are not responsible for their actions.
Kim Ruse emphasizes the importance of holding perpetrators accountable and challenging the cultural norms that enable domestic abuse to continue.
She encourages being mindful of how we respond when someone discusses domestic abuse, whether they are experiencing it or are concerned about their own behavior.
“People often turn to friends or family first,” says Kim. “Dismissing or minimizing what they share, like saying, ‘It’s probably not a big deal’ or ‘Are you sure that happened?’ can unintentionally shut down the conversation.”
She instead recommends listening without judgment.
“Phrases like ‘Tell me more about what’s going on’ or ‘What worries you the most?’ can help create space for honest dialogue.”
Abusive Behaviour is ALWAYS a choice
A large part of FearIsNotLove’s work surrounds spreading awareness that perpetrators of abuse are in control of their actions.
Their Honouring Resistance handbook, written by domestic violence experts, is an important resource that outlines how victims resist abuse and the common behaviours that indicate abusers are in control of their actions:
- They predict their victim’s resistance and take steps to prevent it.
- They may hide their abusive behavior from others, indicating they can choose when to “turn it on or off”.
- They control the severity of their actions to avoid scaring the victim away too quickly.
ALL Domestic Abuse Victims Resist
FearIsNotLove underscores that all victims resist abuse, even if their resistance is often invisible to outsiders. Victims often stay with abusers due to threats to safety, finances, citizenship or children.
United Way recognizes that effective domestic violence prevention begins with changing the conversation—acknowledging that victim resistance comes in many forms.
Prevention is Key
While FearIsNotLove provides critical services to support victims, Kim appreciates that United Way also funds their upstream prevention initiatives.
“[United Way] funds programs that other people won’t fund. They fund our work in schools. And, to me, that’s critical. That’s earlier intervention, working with adolescents when they’re deciding and learning about what an abusive relationship is. This is a very key intervention point. No one’s funding that. But United Way is.”
Funding programs designed to help abusers stop their behaviour can often be controversial. Kim is grateful that United Way supports these often overlooked but effective programs, such as their men’s counseling service and their 24-hour resource line, which receives approximately 1,200 calls each year.
“Not everyone wants to fund a men’s program. They think it takes away from support for victims. United Way is bold and takes chances that way. And they’re data-driven, and we appreciate that because we’re also data-driven.”
United Way: A Thoughtful and Creative Community Investor
United Way supports FearIsNotLove and other partners because we share their commitment to addressing immediate needs while driving long-term change. Prevention and early intervention are cornerstones of this partnership.
“I’ve had the opportunity to work alongside people like Susan Brooke [United Way’s VP of Community Impact & Partnerships] and have community conversations that are convened, that are not just about programs. They’re more about, ‘how do we as a system and a sector work together? How do we do it better? How do we learn? What services need to die, what services need to grow?’ United Way is a great convener of community conversations,” says Kim.
She goes on to describe United Way as a “…thoughtful and creative community investor,” a comment that United Way President & CEO Karen Young appreciates.
“FearIsNotLove is truly transforming lives in our community—working downstream to address urgent needs while contributing to upstream systemic change through early interventions. We are proud to stand beside them in this vital work and extend our congratulations for 50 years of impact,” says Karen.
Hope is in Your Hands: Changing the Conversation
United Way and FearIsNotLove are united in their commitment to building a safer and stronger Calgary by changing how we talk about domestic violence, bringing people together and emphasizing upstream prevention.
By giving to United Way’s Community Impact Fund, hope is truly in your hands. You empower FearIsNotLove and other partners to create lasting change and help to build brighter futures for individuals and families across Calgary and surrounding areas. Together, we can change the conversation around domestic violence, build safe relationships and create a future where abuse is no longer tolerated.